What to Say After a Bad Game
Whether we were the ones in the backseat, hearing our parents ask “what happened out there?”, or we were the parents in the front seat with an angry child behind us, feeling like if we say one thing, our child might explode or never talk to us again. So the question becomes what do I say to my child after a bad game to support them and not escalate the situation?
At this point you have probably experienced this interaction or you are just starting out the season and worried about this happening. Well, to be honest with you, your child will have a bad game at some point and yes they are going to be upset and probably not want to talk to you. But, as parents, we don’t want to see our children struggle and want them to be proud of themselves for participating and performing. I always discuss with the parents that I work with that we have the right intention when we have this interaction, but what we say and how we say it can have a bigger impact than we think.
To help with this reaction, we first have to notice and understand our whole experience. This starts with Presence. The ability to intentionally notice ourselves, others, and the environment without becoming consumed with our internal experience. As parents, if we are able to observe our internal and external processes with intention and without judgement, we have a better chance of responding to our environment rather than reacting to it.
So when your child has a bad game, what is your first instinct? What are the thoughts and feelings that come up for you? Do we have judgements or feelings of disappointment or sadness? These are the internal processes that are driving your behavior. When we ask the question “what happened out there?” we are leading the conversation with analysis so that we can fix what happened. Within our PEAK Framework, we emphasize the importance of reflection, rather than fixing. When we are able to take a step back, reflect, and respond, then there is less room for a reaction and escalation of the situation.
I remember as a young athlete that when I would lose or make mistakes, my parents would ask me “what happened”, “why did you guys lose?”, or even start to give their perspective on what happened that brought that outcome. Mind you, without even me saying anything. I just wanted to get into the car and relax after a game that I just played. I was physically tired, overwhelmed by social interactions, and filled with negative thoughts and worries about my performance. I didn’t have answers for them because of these feelings and I just needed to be validated and given space until I was ready to engage in conversation.
So, next time you are in this situation I want you to ask yourself: “Am I trying to fix the situation or am I reflecting on the situation?” When we ask ourselves this we are building the awareness needed to make a response that facilitates curiosity and understanding rather than judgement and disapproval. When we create this space of curiosity and understanding we are letting our children guide the conversation when they’re ready and we respond with support rather than criticism.
You don’t have to figure this out alone in the car ride home. Individual mental performance sessions aren’t just for the athlete on the field — parents get their own space here too, working through exactly this: how to support without adding pressure, how to read what your kid actually needs in the moment. If that’s useful to you, let’s talk.